a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
