If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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