Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
