i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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