You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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