I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
