Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
