Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
