The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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