If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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