Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
