Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
