Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
