....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
