Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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