i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
