I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize