Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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