Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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