I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
