All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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