Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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