Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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