just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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