They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
