I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize