just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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