He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
