I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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