Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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