If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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