so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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