I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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