yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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