you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
