I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
