We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
