chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So gin and wine won't be happening again
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
