you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's a Shit stain on my heart
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
