dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
