saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
