obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
