I just threw up on my dentist
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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