Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
