What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
