I wish I only lived at night.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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