I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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