please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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