I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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