i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize