I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just want to make out with him forever
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
