i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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