I will die if light touches me.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize