I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
