The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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